You, me, and I: Is that all?

Words like “you, me, and I” in the Vietnamese as discrete words are considered informal and used only with the closest of friends. If used inappropriately, they are insulting to the average Vietnamese person. Instead the Vietnamese use reference frames with pronouns that encapsulate “you, me, and I” in one word. Pronouns are structured to appropriately address oneself to another individual in a hierarchy. Moreover they define the relationship between two individuals. The following pronouns (without accents) are the basic words used in a public setting:

• Con (male/female-at least one generation below you)
• Em (male/female-younger in your generation)
• Anh (male-older in your generation)
• Chi (female-older in your generation)
• Chu (male-one generation above you)
• Co (female-one generation above you)
• Bac (male/female-one generation above you and also older than your parents)
• Ong (male-two generations above you)
• Ba (female-two generations above you)

In the Vietnamese language you designate yourself as one of the above and designate the other person another pronoun above. Both speakers maintain that same reference frame of pronouns in their dialogue. So that if Person A is considered to be “Con” and Person B is called “Chu” in the relationship, then Person A uses “Con” as equivalent to “I and me” and uses “Chu” as equivalent to “you” while Person B uses “Chu” as equivalent to “I and me” and uses “Con” as equivalent to “you”.

Example 1: Let’s say Person A is a 25 year old male and Person B is a 29 year old female. Furthermore they are not related and have never met each other before.

Discussion: When they first meet, Person A will likely address himself as “Em” and address Person B as “Chi” whereas Person B will likely address herself as “Em” and address Person A as “Anh.” In the first encounter without knowing each other’s age, both individuals sets up their reference frame by choosing to be the younger one and the other person as the older one out of respect. Remember the older you are in reference to another person, the more respect you can command. However overtime, they learn each other age, then Person A will correctly address himself as “Em” and address Person B as “Chi”. Also Person B will use the exact same reference frame by addressing herself as “Chi” and addressing Person A as “Em.”

Rule: You must first give respect to the other person and consider them older if you are uncertain about their age or they are close to your age and then change reference frames when appropriate.

Example 2: In a hospital setting, Physician A is 71 year old female and Medical Student B is 21 year old male. They only know each from their hospital duties.

Discussion: Usually in the public setting, Physician A is would call herself as “Ba” and call the Medical Student B as “Con.” Medical Student B would use the same reference frame, calling himself “Con” and calling Physician B as “Ba.” However the rules change from above when involving co-workers. Physician A and Medical Student B are colleagues with A being higher in stature and thus generational gaps do not matter. Physician A immediately identifies herself as “Chi” and Medical Student B identifies himself as “Em.”

Rule: You must identify what type of relationship you have with the other person: family, friends, co-workers, stranger, etc. This sets up the appropriate reference frame. Depending on the situation, one reference frame may outweigh another reference frame.

Example 3: Person A is 2 year old female and Person B is 25 year old male. Person A is the sister of Person B’s mom. Thus Person A is Person B’s Aunt.

Discussion: Usually in the public setting, Person A would be called “Con” and Person B would be called “Chu.” However their family relationship takes precedence. Also this is a specific relationship that is not addressed in the above list. In Vietnamese an Aunt who is the sister of a mother would be called “Di.” Thus Person A would be called “Di” and Person B would be called “Con.”

Rule: Family relationships almost always take precedence for the reference frame, making age obsolete. Also there are highly specific pronouns for the type of family relationship. Below is a small example (without accents) relating to Aunts and Uncles:

• Co (Father’s younger sister)
• Di (Mother’s younger sister)
• Thim (Father's younger brother's wife)
• Mo (Mother’s brother’s wife)
• Bac (Father’s or mother’s elder sibling)
• Chu (Father’s younger brother)
• Cau (Mother’s younger brother)
• Duong (Father’s or mother’s sister’s husband)

Moreover traditionally, the Vietnamese would add a number ranking following the relationship status to identify the birth order in a family of siblings. The parents are number one and then first born is number two; the second born is number three; and so forth. Thus with the combination of a highly specific family tree naming system, most times you can figure out the exact relationship (side of the family, blood-related or not, elder or younger sibling) to you by the way you address them. Thus “Thím Năm” would literally be your father’s younger brother’s wife and was the fourth born child in her family.

The Vietnamese society depends on a hierarchal system that commands respect to authority and elders. This system also defines the importance of family, but becomes rather complicated to a simpleton like me.